Talking With Angels

Angels in a park in Paris, France

Angels in a park in Paris, France

I have always found comfort in the idea that those we love who have passed on are with us as guardian angels, giving us comfort, sending us signs and helping us find our paths. In moments of turmoil I have sworn I have caught a whiff of my papa’s pipe tobacco, I believe a sign that he is with me and it will be alright. I am as a rule. the glass is half full, walk on the sunny side of life personality, so I feel sadness, doubt and heartache acutely. The darker side of life is not a place I feel comfortable.  Thank goodness I have my faith and angels to light my way through the dark.  I recently found myself at a friend’s grave sitting in the grass and talking things over with her, the tears flowed freely down my face as I talked and tied blades of grass into a ribbon, wishing she would appear and while I did not have visual contact with her, a sudden breeze caressed my face and in that moment I felt the peace and comfort of her saying “It will be okay.”  I found myself wishing I could trade places with her, I want her to be here. I don’t comprehend why she was taken. I am glad she is no longer suffering and I have no doubts that she is among the angels, but there are children here who still need her. Those of us left here on the earth are blessed to have her looking out for us, but I would happily be a guardian angel for her and them if it meant she could be here as they grow.  At this point in life I have had my fair share of grief and saying goodbye to loved ones. The grief lives in me and will sneak out in surprising moments. The sight of a doe or certain music from the age of Sinatra bring my Grandma to mind. My papa (my mother’s daddy) passed away on Father’s Day my junior year of high school, that is several decades back now and I feel that loss still, not as a searing pain, but a wistful awareness of his absence. Each person I have lost since then, I have grieved deeply and found my way to keeping them in a special place in my heart. Some, like my Grandma Sawyer and my friend,  I talk to quite frequently, they are wise women I love, and I trust they will guide me when I need them to. When I got up from the grass after a deep conversation, I found it jarring to come back to the land of the living and felt the disconnect as I ran a quick errand to Wal-Mart for printer ink. But as the day progressed, the peace of my talk with an angel settled over me. The heaviness in my heart lightened and the emotions that had me in turmoil when I went to the cemetery seemed to simmer down and sort themselves out.  Life is sometimes hard and the cliché that no man is an island rings true for me.  I am blessed for the many among the living I call family and friend who cheer me on and just love me for me, but I am doubly blessed by the angels who walk and talk with me, lift me up and watch over me.

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